Unprecedented times call for unprecedented support.
By Erin Leonard Ph.D. on Psychology Today
Several clients and a close friend are going through a breakup, separation, or divorce. These life-altering events are incredibly painful during normal circumstances—but even more agonizing during a pandemic.
“I don’t have a right to feel sad when people are dying” is a sentiment I hear from many grief-stricken clients impacted by an issue unrelated to the virus. They feel guilty asking for support. Yet one heartbreak does not compare to another, and each needs attention.
Many devastated individuals are home alone. Online communication may be their only connection to the outside world. Yet online correspondence is intricately linked to social media. This may increase the possibility that they stumble across an ex’s post with someone new. “I can’t get away from it,” says a client of mine who is struggling with a separation. Dealing with heartache is difficult, and feeling inhibited from asking for support may intensify the feelings of isolation.
Often a person’s support network is intertwined with a partner’s, so during a breakup, separation, or divorce, the loss of these relationships hurts. Distress about who is “appropriate” to contact is painful and may compound the loss.
Also, the loss of future plans with a partner is a painful element of a breakup or divorce, made more difficult by the current state of global affairs. “We were going to relocate to Colorado to be closer to family,” a client tearfully explained in session. The intensity of the unknown regarding the future is overwhelming, and facing what lies ahead alone may be terrifying.
A common coping mechanism during a breakup or divorce is “getting out there.” Going out with friends, getting a massage, or engaging in retail therapy are helpful distractions. Currently, many of these activities are not available. Attempting to move on may also be complicated because face-to-face contact is limited. Pursuing a new relationship and creating new memories is an important component of recovering from a past relationship, but it is almost impossible during the quarantine.
Five ways you can support a friend during a break-up
Supporting the broken-hearted during COVID-19 is critical. There are five things a person can do to support a friend or loved one in the throes of heartbreak
First, listen with an open heart. Refrain from telling him or her what to do and simply listen. Abstain from judgment or advice and attempt to empathize by honoring how the friend feels.
For example,
- “You are hurt. I would be too. What happened is not OK.”
- “You are mad at yourself for wanting her/him back. I get it. It’s confusing.”
- “You feel thrown away like you don’t matter. I understand. It’s an awful feeling.”
Listening to the friend’s feelings as he or she talks may be more effective than immediately offering advice. When a friend feels understood, he or she feels less alone and more connected to the person who understands. This allows him or her to feel close to the supportive person and more comfortable reaching out in the future.
DIVORCE CARE PROGRAMME AT CHRIST CHURCH MIDRAND
At Christ Church Midrand, we believe that it is impossible to find healing from this painful experience without Christ. If you would like more information, or would like to speak to someone, please email supportgroups@christchurchmidrand.co.za
Watch this video on the loss of the dream and how Christ heals shattered dreams: https://web.facebook.com/watch/?v=444796349348188