by Maggie van der Bilt
“Don’t wipe away my tears, I want to feel them on my cheeks.” – The wise words of a six-year-old who in his innocence, described what we need to do when faced with a life-altering crisis: acknowledge our grief and loss before we can begin to heal.
When a bride and groom stand at the altar, the last thing they are planning is a divorce. Instead, this is the moment they start to put into action their dream of a life together that includes all their hopes and plans for the future. Raising happy children in a carefree family, having good jobs and a debt-free, healthy household, enjoying holidays, birthday celebrations and children’s graduations. Growing old together.
When that couple divorces, however gradually their relationship breaks down to that final step, those dreams come to a halt. And in their place comes a painful sense of loss.
To help you understand why you hurt so deeply, it’s important that you understand everything you have lost in the breakup of your marriage. Yes, you have lost your identity as a married person, but you also may have lost your future plans, friends, relatives, finances, your daily helpmate, and sometimes your personal or professional status. You may be experiencing many losses associated with your children.
Perhaps the greatest loss of all is the loss of the dream you had when you stood at the altar. And with the realisation of that loss, comes grief. Divorce is the death of a marriage, and the death of a marriage, like any death, requires a grieving process for healing. The longer someone avoids or camouflages the hurt that follows divorce, the more devastation they bring to themselves and their families.
For some, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming, but there are healthy ways to cope with your grief and learn to heal.
Identify your losses
Dr Norman Wright, grief and trauma therapist and a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist, suggests that you spend time identifying and listing your losses.
The Bible reminds us that we cannot run from our pain, as we see in Lamentations 3:20 “My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.” Unless we acknowledge and accept what we have lost, we will not be able to face reality and heal.
“Recovery involves being aware of your losses – and each day, you will discover new losses that you never planned on,” says Dr Wright. While understandably, this does not sound comforting, acknowledging the truth of the extent of your loss plays a vital role in your healing process. He suggests that you go back even further and identify previous losses, too, so that you can fully clear the way to healing. Over time, as you heal, you will find something you may never have expected: meaning in the trials you have endured.
How divorce can be likened to the coronavirus pandemic
At this time, it is worthwhile to touch on the distress that the world is experiencing during the coronavirus pandemic, which is identified by many psychologists as a manifestation of grief. We too are grieving the loss of the ‘normal’ things we’ve always taken for granted, such as the freedom to move about where and when we like, to spend time with and hug loved ones and friends, and to work. Many people have lost their jobs or been forced to close their business doors.
Just as the divorced person will have to go through the grieving process, listing his or her losses as they become apparent, those who are fearful in the midst of this crisis can follow the same advice. In the same way that a divorced person will go through a process of adapting to their ‘new normal’ as a single person, so adapting to the anticipated ‘new normal’ after the pandemic will be much easier if we allow ourselves to confront our losses and accept the new realities that are widely expected to emerge.
As you list all of your losses, the Bible offers a rich source of comfort and healing. Here are just a few:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Lamentations 3: 21 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: 22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Author’s note: As someone who has gone through a divorce and now facilitates the DivorceCare support group at Christ Church Midrand, I believe that it is impossible to find healing from this painful experience without Christ. If you would like more information, or would like to speak to someone, please email supportgroups@ccm.co.za
Watch this video on the loss of the dream and how Christ heals shattered dreams