By Martin Morrison
It has happened to me a couple of times. Thankfully not too many! The worst occasion was when I was studying at Seminary to prepare for full-time Christian ministry. I was about 28 years old. My very best friend, let’s call him John, and I shared digs and did almost everything together. We studied together, we stayed together, we did ministry together. He was probably my best friend, because unlike most other sensible people, he actually laughed at some of my jokes! A few. Well, one or two!
The problem arose out of the blue and was totally unexpected. Apart from our Seminary studies, mid-week we were involved in small group ministry in a local church. Every Saturday night we did street evangelism in the Chicago city centre. Trying to share the Gospel and Gospel tracts with people as they ambled on the city streets. On hot, humid summer evenings the inner city Chicago streets were bursting with people chilling out on a Saturday night. I think having a South African accent helped. People listened for a few minutes, to try and work out where we were from!
The problem arose in that over a period of time, John was showing significant fruit and “results” both in the small group ministry and on the city streets. Everyone was congratulating him on how the Lord was using him. You would have thought that I would be delighted. God was growing his Kingdom through my best friend.
Sadly, not. I became jealous. It was a relatively new and unpleasant emotion. I couldn’t shake it off. The more the Lord used and blessed him, the more I resented it. It is not difficult to understand the root cause of jealousy, namely pride. I wanted the glory and was jealous that he got it! It made me wonder whether I was doing ministry for human attention or for God’s glory! I discovered that our motives are always mixed at best! “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”, Jeremiah 17:9. At some point in time we all have to realize that painful truth about our own hearts, even as believers! If you don’t understand what I am talking about, you are obviously still a very young Christian!
Historical literature has many examples of jealousy, probably the most notable being that of the composer Salieri and his envy of Mozart. Not many knew or heard of Salieri the classical composer, hence his jealousy of the great Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Antonio Salieri, Mozart’s nemesis, when confronted with the limitations of his own mediocre talent, believed that God had cheated him, while a vulgar, immoral, undeserving brat seemed to possess divinely inspired musical gifts.
I was neither Salieri nor Mozart! However, in my distress, I searched high and low for written material to help me get rid of my aching sin. To quote Douglas Coupland in another context, “it was like a thorn in my mind driving me mad”! There is a vast amount of literature on almost every sin under heaven, but not jealousy. In the end, it was one of the Puritans, probably John Owen, who provided succour for my wretched heart. His advice was counter intuitive, certainly to me.
He advised any Christian struggling with jealousy to earnest pray for the person of whom they are jealous. And in particular to pray that God would bless and use them more and more! “But Lord, I said, that’s precisely what I don’t want. Don’t you get it!”.
Well, of course the Lord gets it! After some time, I very begrudgingly and almost insincerely starting praying for the Lord to use and bless John. It wasn’t magic, but almost! Like the morning mist is burnt up by the rising sun. That particular curse was lifted almost overnight. The Lord took away my wretched jealousy as soon as I prayed for God to grow his kingdom and his name through my best friend. What a burden was lifted! I was free!
Perhaps God was teaching me, as John the Baptist said of Jesus, “He must increase, but I must decrease”, John 3:30. Strangely, after all these years, I still have so much to learn about that verse!