By Martin Morrison
One of the most difficult commands of Paul is found in Ephesians 4:15,” … speak the truth in love”. It is not difficult to understand, but most difficult to put into practise. As Mark Twain said, “It is not the verses in the Bible that I don’t understand which worry me, but the verses in the Bible I do understand that worry me”!
As human beings we find it very difficult to get the balance right. In a relational context, some of us by temperament find it perfectly simple and straightforward to speak the truth. We find it easy to speak our mind. “I want to get it off my chest”, we say. It may sound quite admirable, but more often than not, when we speak the truth in this way we deeply hurt or offend others. We defend ourselves by saying that we are straight-talkers. “I don’t like to beat around the bush. I’m a simple kind of person, I call a spade a spade”.
Behind our backs we are often called offensive, insensitive and to be avoided at all costs. The assessment is usually quite accurate. In our so-called honest, truth talking wake is strewn a battlefield of broken bodies and relationships. Some of the damage is irreversible. Sometimes speaking the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God, can be most satisfying but most ungodly. Isn’t it ironic, how speaking the truth without love can be ungodly! Perhaps you never thought of that!
James, the half-brother of Jesus warns us of the massive dangers of the tongue, “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the whole course of life, and set on fire by hell! For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison”, James 3:5 -8.
On the other hand, there are others of us, also by temperament, who find it painfully difficult to speak the truth in a relational context. We hate offending or hurting others. We run a mile from any form of conflict. The prospect of speaking the truth and causing conflict, causes us to lie awake at night, fearing the worst. As a result, important matters are never honestly faced and dealt with. There is an unstated truce, with knots of unresolved issues. This is the playground of the passive aggressive person, too timid to speak the truth for fear of conflict, and yet willing to live with unresolved issues and bitterness for years at end. We somehow persuade ourselves that we are too loving to cause conflict, but in fact it’s really a form of cowardice!
Unsurprisingly, Jesus is our example. John tells us that Jesus is the incarnation of truth and love, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt amongst us, and we have seen his glory …. full of grace and truth”, John 1:14. We see this balance of truth and love in a number of cameos in John’s Gospel. Let’s look at two of them.
Jesus employs his harshest words not for those who sin or doubt or struggle in their faith. No, his harshest words are reserved for the hypocrite. The one who publicly presents himself as a true worshiper of God and yet privately is totally committed to the worship of self. The deceit is total. “You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. But because I tell you the truth, you do not believe in me”. John 8:44 – 45. As we know from the rest of the Gospels, this statement cannot be seen in isolation. The Pharisees have seen countless miracles by Jesus, they have heard the Saviour of the world calling his listeners to faith and repentance on countless occasions, and yet, they have hardened their hearts. They refuse to listen. In fact, they say that Jesus derives his power from the devil! Well, there comes a time, when the truth in its fullness needs to be told. Perhaps the shock of these biting words are remembered by some of the Pharisees who came to faith in Christ after the Resurrection. Sometimes the truth must be told in its fullness so that love can be experienced after the confrontation.
In the well known story of the woman caught in adultery, Jesus speaks the truth in love, when he says to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more”, John 8:11. There was no need to spell out the sinfulness of her situation. Her guilt and shame was self- evident to her. Jesus does not patronize her by failing to address her sin. Yet he does not dismiss her, thus compounding her guilt. Sometimes love must be experienced in its fullness, so that truth can be practised in repentance.
“Oh Lord, give me wisdom to know when to speak and when to remain silent. Give me wisdom in what to say and what not to say. Oh Lord, help me to get the balance right, to speak truth in love”.